| leave me to hide |

11.01.2003

Went for choir today. I still don't understand why we must have lessons and stuff when it's the holz! So bloody unfair!
I'm sick of having people telling me how well they did.... I feel so useless... like I should have worked harder or something. Everyone's improved by so much and I've only progressed a tiny step ahead. Geez... when will I ever start liking myself. I hate it when people keep telling me that I've done well enough when I know I haven't... and did I ever tell you the I HATE BEING IN A FAMILY WHERE EVERYONE'S SO DARN SMART AND I'M NOT!
I mean, look at me...and look at my sisters....
God! I feel so stupid! Just thinkng about how happy I was yesterday makes me feel sink to my stomach....
I'm stuck in a pit and can't get out! And everyone's trying to tell me in one way or another that they want to beat me when I DON'T GIVE A DAMN about what they're planning to do with their lives!
Seriously, don't tell me anything anomore... I'm filled to the brim and can't take anymore shit from anyone else. Some people should really get a life. How sad can someone get?!?!?!
Yesterday was the first time in 6 years that I didn't celebrate Halloween. I didn't even remember that it was Halloween until Grace reminded me. Shows ow much I've changed. A year back, nothing could stop me from celebrating Halloween, and now, I just simply forgot about my fav holiday. All because I was getting all fucked up over my nasty results. All because I'm in a totally different place from where I was a year ago. All because I'm hanging around with new people. All because I was more worried about all the shit that happening in my life than celebrating Halloween. All because I've changed so much.
All this only hit me last night. When I was lying in bed, talking to my sis about our friends in KL and how we're going to visit them some day soon cuz we miss them so much. I realised that they'd all be going trick-or-treating like we did last year, they'd all be enjoying themselves fooling around. They'd all be having fun together. And there I was, lying in bed, and only allowed to have illusions of how happy I would be if I was with them. And think about how unfair life is... WHY ARE SOME PEOPLE SO HAPPY WHEN I'M NOT? I'm so tired of giving in to people, so sick of people pouring out their troubles to me when I'm already filled with my own worries... I just feel like telling them to get a life, or at least get another confider who still has room for their problems. BuT I can't. That's how superficial everything is. You can't say exactly how you feel for fear of leaving a "bad" impression. You can't act yourself because the real you might not be as likeable.
I'm so sick of everyone and everything in my life.

Jaclyn wants everyone out there to get a life...
Jaclyn feels like she's about to explode any minute now because everyone's telling her their problems and she has no one to confide to.
Jaclyn feels that this world is so bloody unfair.
Jaclyn wishes she was someplace else.

^jac
00:36